Well this post, I feel like I've got so much to say. But really I'm unsure of how to say it.
Lately I just, well I'm not feeling like I should. I should be happy, but I'm not.
I don't know if it's because I've only known sadness most of my life, and if I'm not that way then I'm uncomfortable...or whether it's because I really don't know how to approach any happiness. All around me I'm seeing sad people..Uncertain people.
It's like I've got all this inside me, and I feel guilty for giving it just to one person. Like I haven't met the person that deserves all the love I have to give. Yeah it's fucked up, I know.
I've had so many opportunities to be happy, over the last 6 months anyway, but I'm not fully committing. I think my purpose in life was to make others happy, even at the sacrifice of my own. I know deep down, I won't ever feel fulfilled until everyone around me is content.
Who is to say that there is one soulmate for every one person. I don't believe that. I believe that if you give everyone long enough, you'll truly love them for who they are.
I know, for those of you that are reading this you agree. You can't tell me that if your crush gave you a chance, they wouldn't have started to like you. They would have. Because you would be giving them commitment. Devotion.
Now I've really had 2 crushes in the past. They were big ones too, and well, I know for sure I ruined a chance with the first one, because the second one came along. I won't name names, but those close to me know who they are.
And now I don't talk with either. Which is really upsetting, I know it's impossible, but can't you just love everyone? If you spent enough time with every person, you would learn to like them. That's my goal. Learn to like and love as many people as I can. There is no gain in hate.
I also feel that I really want what I just can't have. Either that or I'm going over what I said before, I tell myself that and inevitably end up hurt.
Most people want that everlasting love you see in the movies. But that's just it, movies are make believe, and to find that is truly lucky.
My only wish in life is to find someone, who cares for me, and loves me as much as I do them. The chances of that are approximate to zero.
So to J, T, S and G. (In order of appearance =P)...I'm sorry if I don't give you what you deserve. It's really hard for one person to love many.
Of course there is always those ones that you think could work, again if they gave you a chance. So L and S. We'll see what happens. And then there is A.
How many can one love? One can love many, but may only have one. Which is unfair.
Told you I didn't know how to express it...so I came out and said all this bullshit.
I just, I don't want to ever forget anyone. I don't want to be forgotten either. I think that's probably my biggest fear...to be forgotten.
For those of you that have a good friend, that you may be fighting with, or even if you're not. Tell them how you feel, good friends are hard to come by. Those of you who have found your soulmate. Lucky you, may we all join you one day.
One more thing, there was thing song I used to listen to and I convinced myself it would be the song to get me through until the happy days. Those happy days never arrived by the way...it was called The Promise - Anberlin.
I never noticed before...but the opening line I should have paid more attention to...
"If you need a friend, don't look to a stranger, you know in the end I'll always be there." So even if you feel empty without this person inside, it's always good to have another friend. Friendship is under-rated these days. Like Buddy Gordon! Buddy!
As you can probably tell I gotta lotta shit going on upstairs. That's not even half of it. I just hope I may have helped some people. Because to help someone is the greatest gift of all.
Until next time let me say, together forever my friend, until we finally meet or until we meet again!